(March 21-April 19):
If you wear one of those prepackaged, tasteless costumes for Halloween you’ll get extremely ill the night before your planned festivities… and I’ll feel the need to throw up. Two for one.
(April 20-May 20):
Watch the news before class this week. You’re in college now. Being knowledgable about current events is cool again!
(May 21-June 21):
Don’t buy white pants. Nothing bad will happen to you, but the fashion gods will be very angry.
(June 22-July 22):
Dance like no one is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Just kidding! People will laugh at you.
(July 23-Aug. 22):
Grab a seat towards the back on your next bus ride. The token bum will be exceptionally stinky this time around. You’re welcome.
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You probably shouldn’t smash that delectable looking pumpkin. I’ve heard the house’s owner carries a shotgun.
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
The chocolate chips in that cookie aren’t what they appear. Also, steer clear of scones.
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
If you aren’t under the age of thirteen and you play Farmville you’ll be mauled by cats.
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Avoid any foods that contain the letters “a, e, i, o, or u.”
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
You should write that essay now because in three days you’ll lose all sensation in your hands… forever. Sucks.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
It will be discovered that Hogwarts is real. Unfortunately, you’re a dirty half-blood and no one in the wizarding world will like you.
(Feb. 19-March 20):
Add checking your email to your daily routine. Your professor might have cancelled class. Also, it’s 2010, and that’s just what we do now.
Editor-in-Chief: Heather Spellacy
Chief Copy-Editor: Burke McSwain
Scene Editor: Tamar Kuyumjian